Linda D Tillman, PhD
The Waiting Game
The Waiting Game: Three Coping Strategies
Waiting is a central feature of infertility treatment. Waiting comes in several versions:
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Waiting in the doctor's office for an appointment
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Waiting to hear from the lab or nurse about the results of a test or procedure
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Waiting for your period to start and hoping that this month, it finally will
fail to appear
Each version of waiting brings its own kind of stress. Here are some strategies for each type of waiting.
Waiting at the doctor's office
At first you look around you and wonder about every woman/couple in the room. Why are they here? Does she have the same doctor that I do? Are they going to get pregnant before me? Wonder what test they are taking?
Often from there the cycle of thoughts can get very depressing. Surrounded by infertility patients, it's quite easy to go down a discouraging road in your mind. Everyone in the room will be pregnant before you, etc. etc. You could get into a stressful state by following this cycle of thoughts.
Instead, practice a form of stress management known as visualization. In the TV show, Star Trek, Kirk took vacations in the Holodeck. Kirk programmed where he wanted to go, pushed a button and he was completely in the desired vacation environment, created by the computer.
In visualization, you create your own vacation place, a relaxing space in your mind, without Star Trek technology.
Think of a space where you feel completely relaxed and unstressed. To have an effective visualization, imagine how you would experience your relaxed place with all of your senses.
I would choose to sit by a mountain waterfall. By the mountain waterfall, I would hear the rush of water and the rhythmic pattern of water movement. I would smell that combination of wet earth and water and maybe green leaves. I would see sprays of water and the rushing stream. I would see the ferns along the banks. I would feel cool air on my skin and tiny brushes of droplets on my cheeks. The air might taste damp and cool.
Practice your visualization sitting in a comfortable chair in your own home. Practice it so that you can summon the image whenever you wish, effortlessly. Then when you are in the doctor's waiting room, close your eyes, push your own mental button and visit the relaxing visualization of your choice.
Waiting for test/lab results
Everyone has their own waiting style when much is riding on the results of a lab procedure or a test. What is yours? Do you pace? Do you clench your hands and then unclench them? Do you chew gum until your jaws are tired? Do you pick fights with the people around you? Do you yell at the dog?
Most of us hold our stress in our arms and hands. If that is not your stress repository, then maybe you hold your stress in your jaw.
The first step in stress management while waiting for that phone call is to study yourself and see where your tension is held.
If you find that your arms and hands are tense, then shake them out like an Olympic diver. Wring your hands and then let them drop at your sides.
Make a fist with each hand. Slowly open your fists, one finger at a time. When your hands are completely open, shake them out and let them drop at your side.
If you find that your tension is in your jaw, give yourself a massage. Place your fingers in the corners of your jaw and massage in a circle, letting your mouth fall open. When you finish the massage, then sigh, "Ahhhhhhh"
Use these stress management techniques to make the waiting less tense.
Waiting for your period
Waiting for your period is the hardest because it is like being on a roller coaster. Right after ovulation and baby making sex, your hopes are high and your optimism is great. If you are in the process of ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology), after an insemination or an IVF procedure, your hopes are up as well.
As the predicted day for your period draws closer, most of the women in my practice begin to get scared and lose some of the optimism. You begin preparing yourself for bad news. Thoughts like "We'll never have a baby," begin to crowd your mind.
While you can use all of the techniques for stress management already mentioned, practicing long term relaxation will help with this long term waiting.
Alice Domar, author of Healing Mind, Healthy Woman, encourages women in infertility treatment to try meditation. This nurtures a calm relaxation which can comfort you while you wait.
Another way to manage long term waiting is to focus on the here and now. Look around you and enjoy or explore your surroundings. Take time for yourself - get a massage, have dinner with a friend, listen to calming music. Push the future out of your mind and just focus on today, this moment.
Practice stress management and your waiting will be much easier.